C**p it's quite in here

[Chicken Coupe]

Where'd everyone go? :confused:

[Highway Star]

SSSSSsssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Waving

[grandsport]

Hi Fred.Waving Me been here all day,matey. Arr

[Hank70SS]

Post one of your funnies Fred, that will liven things up.

[Highway Star]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Hank70SS]

That was a good one Jake!

[Highway Star]

Thanks!! I'm not trying to steal the show, I know Fred has some good ones. Here's another: :D:D

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[grandsport]

How true,good one Jake!

[chevguy65]

I have been very busy...
I had to clean the wax out of my ears, twease my nose and ear hair, scoop my toes for toe jam and loads of other fun and exciting things.
This is all part of my spring cleaning. :)

[grandsport]

Big Saturday night shower too!

[Ms Grumpy]

Love the jokes....

[Chicken Coupe]

Post one of your funnies Fred, that will liven things up.

OK, but don't ban me!


Irish Birth Control


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father.’

They then parted ways. Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!’

CandleThe Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.’

[grandsport]

No Chevelle Forums for you! Come back....one year!

[Hank70SS]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.


The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.


When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'


One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...



"WELL, OF COURSE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

[Hank70SS]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

[Hank70SS]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'

[Hank70SS]

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen..
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American- owned businesses still operating in the US .

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.

[grandsport]

Where is everyone?:confused:

[Chicken Coupe]

Somewhere, where, where, where

Hello!, ello, ello, ello

[grandsport]

Geeze,I ain't deaf Fred.

[Chicken Coupe]

Geeze,I ain't deaf Fred.

You AIN'T?

My Wife says I am cause I don't hear a thing she says.

You guys crack me up!

[Chicken Coupe]

Yes you are..... you have hit that magic age.

Hey, wade-a-minute.

I might just be that magic age too.

You talkin' to me Willis?

[Highway Star]

Wha?!?! Huh?!?!

[Chicken Coupe]

How do you lip read text?

Is that a Blond joke?

[grandsport]

I can still hear ABBA!!!!!!!!

[Chicken Coupe]

Oh, yea...read my lips!

LOL

[Chicken Coupe]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase “You Gotta Be Sh****n’ Me”?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, “General, I see lights ahead.”

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and, much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, “Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.”

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, “Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort… How many men do you have?”

Washington replied, “Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.”

And the Madam exclaimed, “You gotta be sh***n’ me!!!”

[grandsport]

That is so stupid,it made me laugh.:)

[Highway Star]

For the first few lines of reading, I thought I was getting a real history lesson.

Hook, line, and sinker. Good one.:)